He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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