We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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