remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize