we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
