First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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