fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
