I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
