I accidentally had phone sex last night
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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