I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
