Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
why do cheetos always look like penises
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
