I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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