I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
