Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
