Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
