just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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