I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
