I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
it's like iHOP with fire
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
