i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
