Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
