Someone shit on the floor
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
