My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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