I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt