Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
