Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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