my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
