Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
