True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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