dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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