he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
