You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
