We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
