I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
