i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Randomize
