He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
