i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
