So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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