I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
