kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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