Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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