If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
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It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
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I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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