I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
