Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
