just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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