if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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