Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
