Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
