it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
