mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
