Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We don't watch enough power rangers
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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