Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
