he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
