Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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