I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
