Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
