She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
