i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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