Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
