worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
