his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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