I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
