Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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