I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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