Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
