do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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