Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
