theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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